Sliding Into the Rabbit Hole

  So I don't want to read angel cards today and I've decided to read one from Animal Spirits. Today's Card: (Painting entitled Rattler of a snake dancer; it represents a character from Buffalo Girls Won't You Come Out Tonight [written by Ursula K. Le Guin]) Symbology of SNAKE: Transformation, healing, sexuality, rebirth ...I'm not sure what my thoughts about this are...maybe I think I am on a transformation and healing process and I guess "trust the process"...

 Find your OWN:  Caeora (FOR THE RECORD: absolutely beautiful maps and assets!!) soooo...I was looking for graphics to use in my giveaway-xanje (whenever I get it sorted out) and I found this page: https://www.caeora.com/product-page/sacred-grove-variants  and have been reminded of the umpteen million map assets and battle maps I have saved on my computer so I can make maps of my worlds in worlds. SO many awesome artists who share their work for maps and play. I take most of the free stuff cause you never know when you are gonna need it! I have also put them in my dungeon painter studio for use, SO...I can wait to get a new computer, figure out how to fix the one I have or at the very least find my hard drive and see what I can do with it! It is VERY hard NOT to have a "Life SUCKS and then you die" attitude. I want to do better, but NOT TODAY.

So... Old, stupid computer with NO space constantly telling me it is out of room. I don't know what I actually did with my hard drive so I can't even use it. SO excruciating AGAIN and I can't DO anything!! So I play Xanje and Raid and Elvenar.                                          AND...I have a note thing called Evernote which IS really awesome but is asking for over $200 at the end of May and I can't pay that so I switched it to monthly but that is going to be a pain in my butt!! I WILL NOT give up evernote...it has ALL my notes, info, poetry forms, poetry, ideas, short notes, craft plans, house plans, etc. EVERYTHING!!!! UGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! ALSO, I CAN'T totally give up because I still keep thinking of ideas. What is a sorrowful sad cat to DO?

 So...I decided to open steam today and looked at my programs...heartwrench again...ALL the files and map assets I downloaded in order to make castles, towers, maps in my dungeon painter studio...and yes also dungeons if I want...all gone...I have to find out of I can fix my laptop but I dunno when you barely have enough money to pay your bills and buy groceries nevermind anything extra you may WANT but don't necessarily need.... It's is just breaking my heart again. It IS important. To ME if not anybody else...and whether the world sees it or not it feeds my soul... Just breathe...tomorrow is new day to try again If you can find the heart.  

  Ok. I don't usually want to talk about this because for me it is HEART WRENCHING!!!!  But here it is...I had a cheaper laptop (for a year)...now it just won't work. I got my old laptop back from Gibby, mostly because I'm addicted to xanje but whatever   I am using it but every time I want to do something other than xanje or for my odsp papers I have to add stuff, search for stuff etc  It takes me hours of headaches and stress!! Then, I find ALL the umpteen million things that are GONE. Some are saved on thumb drives but I searched through them today and a lot of it is pre-2025 so I DIDN'T save the most recent stuff....and every time I go through it I am crushed because there is so many years of work I have saved, list and reworked at least 3 times....it's really no wonder I have been on a long hiatus and have internally just given up!!!! Life sucks and then you die!!! ( My usual mindset) It's hard to change it.  Does anybody (ME) even want to try? Not tod...

 Yes I am depressed. No I don't want to talk about it. It is what it is. At least I am breathing.

  I chose a fan spread. So... The ship (a journey) is book Key words: secrets, studies knowledge I feel: Be open and learn Brings luck (clover) which is heart Key words: love, passion, attraction I feel: find your passion In the form of a message (rider) which is snake Key words: cheating, betrayal, manipulation I feel: be careful and watch  A woman will be the messenger which is  clouds Key words: depression, confusion, sadness (Story of my life) I feel: follow the light to a brighter path *Not totally sure if it's clear or confusing but it is probably my usual, pay attention, watch, learn, be careful and find the light.*